Cheer up emo kid...

I haven’t posted anything on here in a while, almost six months in fact. I’ve been meaning to write for a short while now, but for various reasons have put it off. This particular piece is a post that I’ve been turning over in my mind for a while, but has been exceedingly difficult to write, even to just sit down and start to write. I guess the reasons will become clear as I go through, so apologies in advance if this is all a bit of a brain dump!

The last piece I wrote was a review of the Game Masters show for Gabe McGrath’s wonderful Just One More Game site. At the time I was also starting to write regularly for Dusty Cartridge, and about to start submitting reviews to Australian Gaming Network. Outwardly it probably seemed everything was going great, and to start with I was certainly pleased to have opportunity to write, which I enjoy very much. Internally however, I was starting to notice some very concerning symptoms, symptoms I hadn’t encounter for around eight years.

The symptoms were ones I recognised from an episode of depression I experienced during my Uni years. Obviously this was quite worrying, so I visited the Beyond Blue website in order to gather some more info. Using the symptom checklists there I gauged where my mental state was currently. A score of 5 or higher indicated probable depression. I scored 8 out of a possible 9. Obviously not good.

Now I’m not writing this with the intention of making it a weepy tell-all tale of ‘my struggles with depression’ or anything as melodramatic as that. There are plenty of other much better writers than I that have written very good accounts of depressive illness, and I have no wish to add to that. I have been percolating some various related thoughts though, and think it would be valuable to me to explore them further on paper.

To start with I am immensely lucky and thankful for many things in relation to this episode. Firstly I am inordinately grateful for the support I have at home from Kate. When I wasn’t able to get out of bed, feed myself, and make sure I was presentable to the world she was there to either give me sympathy or a boot up the arse as the situation required. Many people who experience periods of mental ill health aren’t so lucky. I am also extremely glad that I could recognise the symptoms early and seek help. I have an excellent GP who has me on a treatment plan that is working well, and is regularly checking in to ensure I am on track. I also had very supportive and understanding bosses, who prioritised my wellbeing and made adjustments to my work role in order to ensure I was still able to make a meaningful contribution.

I am very, very lucky that I received support in from these three areas. Unwavering support at home, at work and medically have been very real and concrete reasons why I have been able to move towards recovery fairly rapidly, and these supports are something that a person who is experiencing mental ill health do not always receive. Family members often don’t understand what is required to support a mentally unwell person. Workplaces are often not even aware of their legal obligations with relation to reasonable adjustments, let alone in breaking the mindset that a worker ‘just can’t be bothered’ or ‘is trying it on’. There are many doctors who are more than happy to write out a prescription for antidepressants, but don’t bother to take the time to work out a more holistic treatment plan (Aside: this isn’t me being against antidepressant medication BTW. They are an important part of my treatment plan. However there are many other considerations such as talk therapies, cognitive behavioural therapy or CBT, sleep hygiene, nutrition, support networks etc.)

For those playing at home that takes the grand total of people I informed of my depression to four (Kate, Dr, 2 bosses).  What you don’t see in there is any great deep and meaningful chats with friends. I’ve always been an extremely reserved person, and not prone to spilling my guts with others. The stupid thing is I have plenty of friends I believe I could have such discussions with, but the thought of it fills me with dread, to be frank! Just writing this post is quite out there for me. I still noticed concern from friends at the time, as I was noticeably not myself, and enquiries as to my wellbeing were received, but when asked if I was OK, I would invariably respond ‘fine, thanks’ and change the subject. If I fobbed you off in this way, rest assured it’s not you, it’s me!

I do worry about impressions I may have made during my worst period. Unfortunately, even though I started treatment fairly rapidly, I did get worse before I got better, and for a time was purely focused on making sure I was barely adequately doing my job. There are times I know I will have just seemed like I was being lazy, or antisocial, or waspish, or aloof. I had also made various commitments to people to complete various tasks to people, some writing projects etc. Many of these did not get done as I simply didn’t have the energy, and I am ashamed to say in many cases I couldn’t even write to apologise or explain. It is one of my goals for the new year to write some emails of apology to those I may have let down.

I guess that last paragraph is a bit of a window into something which is a major factor in depression, guilt. Guilt is a very common feeling in those experiencing depression. There is always the knowledge that you aren’t doing things that you ought to be, often fairly basic fundamental things. There can be guilt at the amount of help and support you receive from others. It is sort of the idea that you can’t look after yourself, so why should they have to waste their time picking up the slack. Dealing with guilt and other unhealthy thought processes are one of the major challenges someone with depression has to face, and one that medication alone cannot easily overcome. CBTs are very useful here.

I’ve probably almost rambled on quite enough for one day but the one last thing I wanted to cover is some advice I could give to people if they do suspect someone they are close to is experiencing mental ill health, and how to broach the subject. In my experience, most people will say something like “How are you?” or “Are you OK”. These sentences are great for showing that you are concerned about someone for sure. However, they are also very easy for a person to deflect, by simply responding that they are fine.

They are particularly weak because they are closed questions, questions to which binary responses are available (in this case good/bad, yes/no respectively). Being closed questions, it is easy for a person to respond with the best case scenario answer.

A much more effective way of broaching the subject is with an “I have noticed...” statement, followed by a question. An “I have noticed...” statement starts, funnily enough, with the words ‘I have noticed...”. You would then follow this with a specific concerning behaviour that you personally have noticed, for example “I have noticed you have been running late quite often recently.” This is the followed by a question, for example “is there anything going on that you’d like to discuss?” By starting with the “I have noticed...” statement, you make your query less confronting and will make it seem less like you are asking if there is something wrong with them. There is still a lot of stigma and misunderstanding attached to mental health issues, and people will often be reticent to talk because of fear of being misunderstood or adversely treated. By focussing on a single behaviour, as opposed to the whole picture can often be a bridge to start building trust and understanding.

Caveat: if somebody doesn’t feel like talking, don’t try and force the matter. They may not be comfortable talking now, but when they are ready, they may remember you as a potential friendly ear.

OK, I’m starting to feel like I’m getting a bit too Sally Jesse Raphael here, so I’d best quit while I’m ahead.

When writing this, I think I have started to realise some of the reasons I wanted to have a crack at this piece. I am tired of being scared that people will find out. I am tired of being ashamed. I am tired of feeling guilty. I am proud that I managed to notice things were going bad and act, fast. I am proud that I was well prepared and had ensured that structures were in place in my life to be able to deal with mental ill health. I am proud to be writing again, after almost six months off. I am ready to whole heartedly sink my teeth into 2013. I am feeling good.